I woke early this morning, but was able to drift back into my sheets like the falling snow and I actually rested til 5:30am. So grateful! My typical 3:00am wakings are early, and today I am tired, and like every morning, am meeting the undefended minds running. It is in this early waking, where if I can invite awareness, I am privy to the workings of my mind. Today’s focus … how to claw back control of my eating and body, how to be more disciplined, can anybody actually love my physical self as it is? And the list goes on. It’s like running a marathon and noticing the landscape, only this route is lined with thoughts as opposed to trees. I invite the naming of this, recognize my old friend control, and invite an allowance to this voice - ah yes old friend, still here? Still looking to have your story acknowledged that you are only acceptable if you look a certain way? It must be difficult to be unable to rest as you are, the need to be something other than what is simply here in this exact moment, that which is you. And if I don’t notice myself as the runner, then I too become the sportscaster critiquing the lack of speed and finesse of the runner. It is endless in the realm of my mind. Oh, and it has a great arena of spectators as well willing to contribute harsh voices.
And then I remember, aaah wait, I am in my kitchen, at my kitchen counter on my laptop. I’m not running to or from anything, it’s the mind again offering some distractions away from this moment that today offers the insight - I’m not at peace within my body. How often do I get caught in the marathon? I imagine it’s quite possible that this runner has logged more miles than is possible to count. If I could guess, its likely run to Pluto and back several times. So why do I write this all? Well to remember the divided self will always look for distance from others and most importantly from the identity and the truth of its own self. It is fragile and fears the truth that it is unlovable as it is, vulnerable and very innocently human. I think we have always wanted complete acceptance, but where do we look when it seems that much of this world is also running the marathon? Maybe we each start with the simple invitation, where are my feet exactly now?
Julia Stolk